The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump

So guess whose scanner is sitting in a garage in Clinton? MINE. This is pretty sucky, because I've got a pile of sketches that I was going to include in a blog post tonight. I may know someone with a scanner I can use, which would be sweet, but I am not going to bank on it, so I may or may not have a chance to put up some drawings sometime soon.

I finally sat down and started to write an adventure comic, but I'm having a problem coming up with a premise. I've got a ton of stories in my head and written down, but I don't really want to re-appropriate any of them to this work, I like them the way they are in my head right now, I just don't want to draw an epic this summer. I have a couple of ideas that link to other stories I've thought up, so I might work with one of those, but we'll have to see. I've got a couple of pages drawn up so I hope I can scan them sometime soon.

I also still have to scan the rough pencils I did for that one-shot a few days ago. It was sort of a dumb little story, but that's okay, it was really just practise. I'll upload that as soon as I can too.

We got new design computers at work today, they are running an RC of Windows 7 and I have to admit I'm impressed. The OS is pretty, it's functional and easy to use. I think with time I might even grow to like it more than OSX. It's a very nice OS and aside from a couple of networking issues it's running very smoothly. Well, that and the fact that these computers are - for a lack of better description - tricked the fuck out. They've got two sticks of 2GB RAM with massive fucking heat syncs on them that I've dubbed Thug-RAM. It's sexy.

Speaking of sexy, there's a Rival Boys show this Saturday at Lee's that I am pretty happy is happening. That will be a thing.

Colours

I've learned one thing this year, I think. I've discovered the one thing that's always there for me, the one thing that I love that will never leave me, my actual passion, my real life. And it's colour.

I've never known so absolutely that my life would be absolutely worthless without something, as much as I've know about colour. It can make me feel, make me taste, make me hear, make me see things that I didn't know existed.

It changes with me, it feels the same way I do. It is limitless in it's beauty. Nobody and nothing has ever made me feel as alive, or made life seem so worth living the way that colour has.

I can wield it the way a soldier wields a gun, the way a preacher wields a book, and at the same time the way a child wields a toy.

More than food, more than water, more than air I need it. It's better than religion, better than art, even when it's a part of it. Colour, to me, is better than sex.

I can control it, and it can control me. Our relationship is so wonderfully balanced, and even now, I know that it's all around me, even as I shut out the lights and lie down to sleep, I know it's right there behind my eyelids.

My biggest fear is that one day I'll wake up, and I won't be able to see it anymore, that it'll go away. But even then I know I could still feel it, I know I could still use it and it could still use me.

I love colour, and at the risk of sounding insane, I think I would die without it.

I guess that's why art will always have me, looks like it's time to abandon my dreams of being a neuro-surgeon.

Long time.

She kissed me on the couch, in the dark
we were quiet, and me moved independant and together
our bodies new, and still beautiful
I grabbed her hand by the construction puddles
and I held her in close to me
and we knew we'd always be together
I lay in her family's garage
my hand empty this time
my eyes full, I saw colour now
Took her back, in weakness
I never stopped loving her, even then
Laying now on the floor of a room that used to be an office
I thought about how we lied to each other for so long
and I laughed a little, through the tears
Took control, met a girl, beautiful - though conflicted
faith and truth are easily confused
and what we could see and hear and taste and feel wasn't
written in any books
at least not by any old gods
I knew her, she knew me too
and the good parts kept repeating
we meet in the living room, the office, the stairwell
the couch. We saw each other in the same room I had met her.
We lay in the cold damp room off to the side
and laughter and suspicion greet us that morning
I love her, she loves me, but neither of us are finished
back into the oven I suppose.
She needs more abuse, I need more clairty
and even more abuse.
we aren't complete, never will be
but I'll be damned if we won't try.
Time's never right, not when you love
and it'll never be right as long as you still can
Figure that out-and maybe I'll give up
or maybe I'll fix me.
My heart is too easy to take
and I've let it get away 6 times.
It never comes back in one piece.
Time, blood and control are what shapes my life.
Time gives me my start
Love is an act of blood, and as long as it courses through
me, I'll give into it, and I'll move faster for it, break
more bones and give up more of my body for it, to feed it.
And when it's time to stop, whether time has run out yet or
not, when I've nothing left to give, nothing left to get and
nothing needing, I'll have control. It won't be fate or
providence that pulls the trigger. It will be my trembling
hands, and you can take solace in the knowing that I'll have
a smile on my tired old face. A real smile. I'll be saving
one for whenever that is.

F# - Am - Gm - A#

Today I wont leave the house until I have the pencils for a one shot comic done.

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens

Click the blog post title for awesome.

So I think I am going to be putting up some drawings on Etsy soon. I have about 10 or so just pencil drawings that I've done in the last little while that I would like to try to sell. Nothing important, just some drawings of robots and people and stuff. I don't have a scanner right now though, so I'll have to wait. If I can get 10 bucks for one I'll be happy, although I am thinking I should do some more with ink/colour if I want to actually start selling it. Maybe some painting.

I guess I might be going to some kind of ribfest tomorrow? I don't remember how I volunteered for that but, meh. I intend to get pretty drunk afterward so it's all good.

I've been thinking about doing an adventure style comic, something scott pilgrim-esque (as Zack suggested), but I don't know what to make it about.

There is a Rival Boys show on the 18th that I expect Zack to show up to, so he better read this, remember, and then show up god-damn it. It should be pretty awesome.

Anyway, back to work. Then tonight? Continue to learn how to play The Trooper.

Ja

It goes like this - the fourth, the fifth. The minor fall, the major lift.

Random thoughts time:

So I choose my classes for second year tomorrow, it's going to be a pissy time trying to figure out what damned classes I actually need to take, and what classes I can take if I want to (certain classes, I have discovered, are out of bounds to me).

I wonder if I am going to like mini-golfing?

Today I tried to do a back-flip, messed up, and walked away un-injured. The very same day, I managed to fall out of my computer chair and mess up my ankle, does that seem fair to you?

Somedays I feel like I've got an idea that I want to turn into a comic so badly just sitting at the back of my head and I can't fully reach it. I can get little bits of it, characters, settings, but the story escapes me, and by time I wake up the next day it'll be gone and I'll have missed it. Today was one of those days.

Tori Amos is awesome, I wonder why it took me so long to hear about her?

I am an idiot for not taking any of my 36 credits in the summer this year.

Public Enemies was an awesome movie, and it seems to get more awesome the more I look back on it. I think I need to see it again.

Pianoman, remember the name. It's coming, baby.

Battlestar Galactica is awesome.

I am so very, very stressed out right now.

Home I'll never be

February 23rd, 2000.

My little sister's birthday.

That was the last time I was home.

After that we were tossed around from place to place, much like we were before, but this time around I was never really able to form attachments to places or things. I got attached to people, in the past year it's been made brutally clear that I'd grow attached to some of those people far too quickly, but none of it mattered, I hadn't lost my ability to love, I never have, and I am quite sure that I never will. And that's the most important bit of myself to retain. It's all we've got, as people. It's all that's permanent, even if it changes subject, meaning, or even if it goes away for a while. It'll always be there. Knowing that is what makes the rest worth it.

But I'm tired, and I haven't been home in over 9 years.

I've had places to live, with and without family. I've had friends, a school, a job, pets, girlfriends, parties, exams, holidays, everything. But I haven't had a home in a very long time. I haven't had somewhere to go, somewhere that felt comfortable. Even now, when I am alone in my room I don't feel at peace, I feel like I'm alone. And I'm beginning to think that maybe it's because I don't have a place that grows with me, or a place that I can look back on fondly. Every time I've experienced heartbeak, or loss in the last 10 years, I didn't have a home to go to. I would go be alone, in a room that I kept my things in, I've spent half my life in large closets.

I think that it doesn't matter what happens, if I publish the comic I've always wanted to, if I become a great designer, if I one day manage to get my thoughts and feelings down on to paper at all, if I ever live up to everyone's expectations. It doesn't really matter where I end up in life, as long as one day it feels like home.

I just want to go home.

He says that he'll be rich someday

So let me tell you a story.

Yesterday I was supposed to go downtown to hang out with Kate and Katie M, it was going to be a fun time and I was going to become drunk. However, financial constraints kept me from being able to do so, so I send them a text saying that I couldn't come down, and went about my boring business.

Then, a couple of hours later, I was on my computer and something hit my window, I opened it and there was Kate and Katie M, standing there, with alcohol in their hands, telling me to let them in. They brought me beer, and proposed that we get drunk there in my room. However, my room was far too small and messy, so we went over to Jay and Rory's place and had a grand old time.

The point is, Kate and Katie M are awesome.

Anyway, I am thinking about selling a couple of things, namely my Wii and my Bass. The reason for the Wii is that I haven't used it in a good year, and Andrew has one anyway. I have never been big on playing video games by myself to begin with, so I don't really see a problem with not having my own right now. Plus, I could get a good two hundred dollars for it at the moment, which is money I could use.

Also, I am thinking of selling my bass and amp. I want to buy a new one around christmas, but I have sort of outgrown this one as things stand right now, and I don't see a point in keeping it. It's also a little busted, and I can't be bothered to fix it. I've been offered 150 for the bass and 100 for the amp, so I'll probably take people up on those offers.

Welp, I should get back to work, this dance poster isn't going to design itself. Then later it's time to watch season one of Battlestar Galactica (yes, I caved), draw some pictures, and write a song about a pretty girl and a fictional bird.

That last one requires some explanation that I am not going to give you, just because.

Ja!